It’s easy to do. When frustration mounts and tempers flare, the fault must belong somewhere. Most likely with anyone but yourself, right? While we may not all readily admit to or verbalize this tendency, those who practice the blame game on a regular basis don’t fare very well.
In fact, research shows that people who blame others for their mistakes lose status, learn less, and perform worse relative to those who own up to their mistakes.
Not only does blaming cause personal problems, but it is devastating to relationships. A rift is caused that negatively impacts communication, intimacy, and self esteem.
These tips from physician, researcher and author Neil Farber, M.D., Ph.D are certainly helpful in our attempts to take responsibility for our role in problems that arise and how to constructively move forward to resolve issues.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your actions and reactions; for your thoughts, feelings, and words. This applies to the blamer and the blamee. Avoid blaming – focus on how to make improvements. Blaming is almost never associated with making improvements in a relationship.
TAKE OWNERSHIP of your feelings. This also goes for the blamer and blamee. For the blamer, you are in control of your emotions and reactions to others. You have a choice regarding how you respond. Blaming also puts the blamer in the victim role as they are accusing others of controlling their lives and giving their power away. Rather than unilaterally focusing on the negative with a blame, try to move to the positive and collaborate for a solution which is mutually beneficial. For the blamee, you also have a choice not to take ownership of someone else’s negative stuff. If you choose to stay in this relationship it is your responsibility to co-create a healthy environment but that doesn’t mean that you are responsible for their happiness or should be blamed for their unhappiness.
COMMUNICATE with openness and with honesty. If you are blamed, discuss with your partner how you feel about being blamed, rather than point your finger back at them and blame them for blaming you! Using “I” statements and describing how you feel will go a long way to forging an emotionally supportive and satisfying relationship.