It happens to adoptive parents around the world: Questions about adoption from well-meaning friends and family (and sometimes strangers) can border on intrusive —and put a damper on what is supposed to be a happy and exciting time.
“How much did the adoption cost?” “Why did you choose to adopt from China instead of Russia?” “Couldn’t you have your own baby?” “Aren’t you worried that your child may develop a medical condition that you’re not expecting, because you don’t know the complete health history of both the birth parents?”
“People unfamiliar with adoption may think they’re showing interest or support by asking questions,” Ellen Singer, a licensed certified clinical social worker with the Center for Adoption Support and Education told Women’s Day magazine in 2012. “But some comments can be upsetting or damaging to families.”
One mom from Austin, Texas offers some advice on her blog about how to deal with unwanted questions about adoption.
Adopted herself, the Texas mom went on to have four children of her own before adopting a fifth child from Ethiopia. She compares asking questions about adoption to asking questions about childbirth. Some parts aren’t pretty, and it’s not a topic everyone wants to talk about, she says. “Think of adoption like the way other people get their kids: childbirth. It’s normal, it’s beautiful, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and most moms have no problem discussing it. Most moms even enjoy discussing it,” she writes.
“However, there are parts of childbirth that are extremely private. Lots of private and messy things happen on the delivery table that we just don’t ever need to talk about outside of (a very small circle of) family. Lots of private and messy things happen in the adoption process that we just don’t need to talk about outside of family,” she writes. She offers the following tips for how to phrase questions for those curious about adoption:
Don’t say: So why was she adopted? Do say: How old was she when she came home?
Don’t say: Where’s her real mom? Do say: I bet her birth mom misses her.
Don’t say: How much did he cost? Do say: I’d love to adopt, but I worry that we can’t afford it or I hear adoption is very expensive.
Don’t say: Couldn’t you have kids of your own? Do say: What led you to adopt?
Don’t say: Wow, she’s so lucky you adopted her! Do say: Wow, you are so blessed you get to be her mom!